It is not about what I can...It is about what I can't

Rule #1: Never EVER!! write in english on your blog
Rule #2: Never EVER!!! write a post about your real personal life
Rule #3: Never EVER!!!! brake the rules

Stupid rules that i imposed to my self six years ago.
Why today it is more easy to express myself in english? even if sometimes I think I really can't express in a good way in this lenguage.
Why today I had all those horrible cuestion that I was avoinding all these 4 years in my head?
and the worst part..yes those questions need to be answered because if I don't, they will eat me alive.

Why? Where? How?..

Why am I doing this?
Where am i going?
How am i going to convince myself that it is the best choice?

I love photography, i think i'm good with the camera.
I love Chess, I never complained when I had to sacrifice time to train.
These are my passions I know that, I really really know that.

I stoped playing chess reguraly when I started my first semester ant the university, because my studies in Chemical engineering were the most important thing in my life, yes in that moment I was sure of my desition.

I stoped to admire art and to take photos, when...again...chemical engineering was demanding more and more time, in that moment I was thinking that maybe if I spend more time studing maybe I will like more my mayor and that sacrifice will be noting.

Why I was so sure that Chemical Enginering will be everything in my life?

When i was in high school, the plan of my plife was perfect. Go to the best university, study the thing that i like more , get a bachelor degree.Then get a job, travel, get a husband, have children, spend you money and obviosly...be happy...always be happy. It was a perfect plan, anything can't go wrong. I was admitted to the Best university, I studied the thing i was dreaming about, I'm going to get a bachelor degree soon...but...

"wait! I don't want to work...ohh well in a regular job in chemical engineering ...ok...ok... research ... thats the solution yay!" :)...

That was the answer that I made to myself about a year ago. Ok...how to start planning again?... I have to study more...get a master degree, then a doctorade degree...

Sometime ago I was good, I know it!...but why? because I loved what I was doing, I loved to study chemistry, biology... literature...art...everything... I loved to have a perfect equilibrated life; but since i convince myself that I had to be less me and more of the academy demand from me... I lose everything..I lose my passion for do things.

I like bioengineering and right now it is what I wanted to study, but I can't scape from Colombia, I don't have enought money, I can't express myself in english...and I can't leave my family here with the consecuences of been in my university all these 4 years...I have to stay here... at least for 2 years more. My only path right now is to be an "graduate assistant" to paid my master studies in chemical enginering (thats right, I don't want this master) and start my life as a cientific. Even if I don't like this path, it is the correct way to do things...

No! I want to be a photographer! I want to be a chessplayer! I want to have a family soon! (not so soon)...but that was not the plan and I have to abide to the plan... because it is to late to decide other things. Now I can't take a good photo and I lost my perfection on chess. I'm trying to do my best...i'm trying get my goals as a cientific (even if I know I'am not so good to do that, I'm not a genious...not in chemical engineering...maybe I am in bioengieneering...but I had no choise, I can't leave these country)....but this is not my dream career.

But...what if I'm not cualified to be a graduate assistant?

I know...my english is horrible!..please if you get a lot of mistakes let my know...

...llenando los sentidos...

...some MIT videos about momentum transfer (just trying to convince myself I can...)